On Parenting and the 5th Commandment
Developing a Biblical Theology of Parenting from the 5th Commandment
Part 2: On the Duties of Children
This is the second article on this topic. In the first article, the duties of parents were addressed. This part seeks to explore and develop the duties of children. You can access part one here, On Parenting and the 5th Commandment: The Duties of Parents
Hear, my son, your father's instruction,
and forsake not your mother's teaching,
for they are a graceful garland for your head
and pendants for your neck. (Proverbs 1:8)
The War
There is no doubt that there is a war being waged upon the family in our society. Governmental agencies, secular organizations, private businesses, and institutions of education seem to align together in their desire to see the nuclear family dismantled and destroyed. While they may all have a different end, their means are the same—the destruction of the family.
The organization, Black Lives Matter, listed as one of its goals and purposes,
“We disrupt the Western-prescribed nuclear family structure requirement by supporting each other as extended families and “villages” that collectively care for one another, especially our children, to the degree that mothers, parents, and children are comfortable.”
This language has since been removed from the ‘About Us’ page on their website, but it still reveals that there is a desire within these organizations who seek to bring about cultural change, to assault and ‘disrupt’ the nuclear family. This is partly because the destruction of the family is the most efficient means to change the culture.
What we must understand as Christians, is that an assault upon the family is an assault upon the divinely created order, it is an assault upon the Creator God. God has established the family as the foundation for a properly functioning society. Broken families lead to broken societies. Broken societies lead to moral chaos. Moral chaos is the evidence of a people who have rejected God as the supreme authority; just read the book of Judges. This destruction of society begins with the dismantling, disrupting, and devouring of the family structure as God designed it.
It is within the divinely ordered family structure that we learn to submit to authority, worship God, and love and care for others. When the family is disrupted, there is a disruption in our ability to learn these basic functions of human responsibility. It is within the family structure that we learn how to live with other people, listen to and communicate with other people, and how to respect and honor the authority structures of the world. It is no wonder that when the family is dismantled, society will soon crumble, for the family is the most basic foundational building block of society.
Kevin DeYoung writes,
It is no wonder that when totalitarian regimes throughout history have tried to exert control over people, one of the chief mechanisms by which they’ve done so is severing that attachment to the family—making allegiance to the state the building block of society rather than the honoring of parents. The power of the state and the power of the family are often inversely related: one goes up as the other goes down.[1]
DeYoung goes on to write,
Civilizations, societies, cultures, and countries do not flourish apart from social order, trust, and mutual respect. All of that is meant to be taught and imbibed in the incubator of the family.[2]
Many will seek to see the roots of the current attack on the family in the ideology of Marx and other socialists and communists. However, we must look deeper. The attack upon the family is satanic. It is a means devised by Satan to manipulate people marred by sin into destroying and devouring themselves and entire societies.
One of the difficulties within the Christian mindset amid the current culture war in which we are engaged is that we are prone to primarily focus on externals. We see the actions of the government, secular organizations, and other institutions and we often think that they are our biggest threat. We think that their actions are the biggest threat against the family. There is no doubt that their desires are sinister. There is no doubt that they desire to destroy the family in order to destroy and reshape the culture in their own image. There is no doubt that they are a threat. However, the greatest threat to the family comes from within the family itself. The greatest attack and assault upon the family comes from the sinners who comprise that family unit.
The greatest assault upon the family comes from unfaithful parents and disobedient children. That is to say, the greatest threat is internal, not external. The primary battlefield is within the household not outside of it. The issue that is the supreme threat to the family is sin and rebellion against God.
Philip Graham Ryken correctly notes,
“The way to destroy a nation is to destroy the family, the way children can destroy the family is by disobeying their parents.”[3]
Ryken offers this chilling assessment from Annie Gottlieb concerning the desires of the youth in the 1960s.
“We might not have been able to tear down the state, but the family was closer. We could get our hands on it. And…we believed that the family was the foundation of the state, as well as the collective state of mind…we truly believed that the family had to be torn apart to free love, which alone could heal the damage done when the atom was split to release energy. And the first step was to tear ourselves free from our parents.”[4]
Children play a pivotal role in the flourishing of society. This role is their obedience to the 5th Commandment, their honoring, obeying, and submission to their parents. To tear themselves free from their parents is to begin the unweaving of the tapestry of social order.
Threats of Judgment and Promises of Blessing
The 5th Commandment reads:
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12)
“Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that your God is giving you.” (Deuteronomy 5:16)
After bringing his people out of the land of Egypt, God gave his law to them on Sinai. In doing so, God gave his people instructions on how to live an ordered and submissive life in the land that he was giving to them. For there to be order, for there to be the flourishing of the human race, and for there to be success in the land, there would need to be obedience and covenant faithfulness to the law of God. This obedience would not earn success, rather the keeping of the law would ensure and result in the success God had promised, and the violations of the law would result in chaos and chastisement. The law is good, it serves as a map to guide the conduct of the people, it is a gracious gift from the Lord.
The 5th Commandment comes with the threat of judgment and the promise of blessing. Paul picks up on this in Ephesians 6:1-3, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
The threat of judgment is implied in the commandment, ‘that your days may be long.’ This should be understood that if one does not honor their parents, their days would not be long. We see these threats of judgment expressed in multiple Old Testament passages. In Exodus 21:15-17, Leviticus 20:9, Deuteronomy 21:18-21, Proverbs 20:20, and Proverbs 30:17 the consequence of not honoring and obeying one’s parents was death. The reason for the severity of the punishment is that the failure to honor and obey one’s own parents threatens to completely unravel the entire tapestry of society.
There is also the promise of blessing. In the Old Testament, long life in the Promised Land was symbolic of divine blessing due to covenant faithfulness. It was a sign that the people were in God’s favor. However, a shortened life or a life lived in exile was symbolic of divine disfavor. In the book of 1 and 2 Kings, the people were removed from the land because of their covenant violations. They forfeited the promises of divine blessing due to covenant infidelity, and they reaped divine disfavor.
This is not now to be understood as a conditional guarantee. God is not saying that if you obey your parents you will live to be 90 years old. Nor is God saying that if you die at a young age, it is evidence that you dishonored your parents. Rather, God is saying that those who honor and obey their parents generally experience a better life than those who do not. This is because those who honor their parents are keeping the law of God, they are living out the will of God for their lives. And the safest and best place for us to be is directly in the center of God’s will for our lives.
Paul assures New Testament children that God will bless their obedience to his law and the honoring of their parents. Obviously, the promise of land is not extended to New Testament children, “but the general rule remains: if we live in God’s ways we receive God’s favor, and if we defy God’s ways we forfeit God’s favor. Honor God by honoring your parents and expect it will go well with you. Dishonor God by dishonoring your parents and expect it will not. It’s the way God has structured his world.”[5]
Obey and Honor
Biblically children are commanded and expected to both obey and honor their parents. This is their duty, it is their responsibility, and when living in the homes of their parents it is their primary task. This is naturally the right thing to do and it is the God-glorifying thing to do. God has graciously gifted children with parents to guide, instruct, discipline, and teach them. They should honor God and his gift by obeying and honoring their parents.
The Greek word Paul uses in Ephesians 6:1, translated obey, means to hear, to listen to with attentiveness, to submit, and to respond positively to what is heard. The obedience that Paul calls for is the submission to the parental authority that God has divinely placed over the child. Obedience simply means doing what our parents tell us to do when they tell us to do it. Children’s obedience to their parents should be prompt, cheerful, and self-denying.
It is the parent's responsibility to teach their children to obey their father and mother. This is a serious task because to obey one’s parents is to obey God and to disobey one’s parents is to disobey God. Rebellion against parents is rebellion against God. Disobedience to parents is treason against the God who has given the 5th Commandment in his law. Parents cannot be guilty of enabling and allowing such treasonous activity against God. There is a reason we cringe when we see an undisciplined, unhinged child being openly defiant and rebellious to their parent. We instinctively know that both the child and the parent are in error. That correction needs to be made, that discipline needs to be executed. We know this because what we are witnessing is a violation of the objective moral law of God.
Obedient and submissive children are a blessing to the family, society, and the church. John MacArthur writes, “Children who respect and obey their parents will build a society that is ordered, harmonious, and productive. A generation of undisciplined, disobedient children will produce a society that is chaotic and destructive.”[6] In many ways, we are currently reaping the fruits of a generation or two that were undisciplined and disobedient children. John Calvin writes, “Nature itself ought, in a way, to teach us this. Those who abusively or stubbornly violate parental authority are monsters, not men.”
Parents must demand and expect obedience from their children. They have a moral responsibility to do so. For it is under the training and discipline of the household that children are prepared to live orderly lives to the glory of God in adulthood.
Children are also called to honor their parents. The greatest way that they can show them honor is to obey them, however, the idea of honoring goes beyond mere obedience. The word honor is the Hebrew word kabod. It’s the same OT word for ‘glory’ or ‘weight.’ Being a parent is a serious and weighty task that is worthy of honor. Children should honor their parents by attaching great worth to them and placing great value on their relationship with them. Children are under an obligation of the Lord to not take their parents or the authority of their parents lightly. Children should obey, respect, revere, speak well of, and treat their parents with dignity and reverence.
There Is An End to Obedience
There are times and occasions when the obedience that is rightfully due to parents comes to an end.
Typically this end is occasioned by two things.
First, when a child matures into adulthood and becomes married. A son, by God’s grace, will mature into a man having the biblical expectation to “leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) In the covenant of marriage the man leaves from under the authority of his father and mother and establishes his own household. In doing so he is no longer under the obligation to obey every command of his parents; in fact, it would be absurd and inappropriate for him to do so. For example, it would be detrimental to a husband’s family if he abandoned them every time his mother called for him to come home to wash the dishes. It would be absurd and it would be antithetical to leaving his father and mother and cleaving to his wife.
Likewise, in marriage, a daughter leaves from under the authority of her parents and comes under the authority of her husband in the establishment of a new home and family. No longer are her parents the God-given authority over her. Her husband now has the responsibility of headship over her. It is his role to protect her, provide for her, and disciple her. As a wife, she is commanded in the Scriptures to, “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” In marriage, she is no longer under the obligation to obey her parents in the same way as when she was living in their house.
Secondly, no child is ever under any obligation to obey their parents if their parents are demanding them to disobey the law of God. When a parent leads a child to sin, that child must disobey their parent’s authority in order to obey God’s authority. As for those who would cause a child to disobey the law of God, let me encourage you to heed the warning of Jesus, “whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:16)
There is No End to Honor
Even though children mature into adulthood, marry, and establish their own households they still are under the biblical requirement to honor their parents. This obligation never ends. Sure, there is a change in the relationship, but they still owe respect, reverence, and honor to their parents. The Bible commands children to honor parents, it says nothing about children aging of the requirement, nor does it say that only believing parents should be honored.
Even a child who has a parent who is not a Christian is called by God to honor this parent. Many children will have parents who are abusive, addicted, or may have even abandoned them. Even in these terrible situations, the obligation of the child is still to honor their parents and to seek the best for their welfare and their salvation. This honor is due to the parent based on position even if their character is undeserving of it.
Even long into adulthood, the aging parent is due honor from their children. The apostle Paul writes in 1 Timothy 5:4, “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.” It is pleasing in the sight of God for adult children to honor and provide for their aging and needy parents. “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8)
John Bunyan writes concerning this passage, “There are three things for which, as long as you live, you will be a debtor to your parents.”
1.) For your existence in this world. They are the ones from whom, immediately under God, you did receive it.
2.) For their care to preserve you when you were helpless and could neither care for nor regard yourself.
3.) For the pains they have taken with you to bring you up.
Parents are due a lifetime of honor for the sacrifice they have taken upon themselves in the raising of their children. There is no end to this honor.[7] Even though it is extremely difficult for a child to comprehend the severity of the sacrifices that their parents have made to raise and provide for them, they need to strive to understand and acknowledge it. The day is going to come when they have their own children and finally do understand, but even as a child they need to be aware of the grace of God that their parents truly are.
It is also important for children to understand that honor and agreement are not the same things. Honoring one’s parents does not necessitate agreeing with the ungodly immoral positions they may hold. In fact, it would be dishonoring to your parents to affirm their sinful ideas and behaviors. If your parent lives a sexually immoral lifestyle, is a racist, affirms the practice of abortion and infanticide, or holds any other position that is in opposition to the Bible, there can be no tolerance for these positions. The honorable thing for a child to do is to hold the truth before their parents and call them to repent of their sin, they must never capitulate to their position. The Bible is the supreme authority, and no child is ever required to take a stand against it.
Our Duty
Children, young and old, let us glorify God in the honoring of our parents, for it is our duty. Let us uphold, defend, and protect the family. Let us fight for the design that God gave to humanity. Society, culture, and the church all depend upon the faithfulness of families. The faithfulness of families depends upon children obeying and honoring their parents.
“Every one of you shall revere his mother and his father” (Leviticus 19:3)
Parents, we bear the responsibility to raise our children to honor God by honoring the authorities God has placed over them. This begins in the home with teaching, demanding, and expecting children to obey and honor their parents. Parents must not fail to properly discipline their children in this matter. To enable children in disobeying and dishonoring their parents is to enable children in their rebellion and sinfulness against God. Let us strive to raise God-honoring children who desire to glorify God and enjoy him forever.
The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;
he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.
Let your father and mother be glad;
let her who bore you rejoice. (Proverbs 23:24-25)
Grace to you,
Chase
[1] DeYoung, Kevin. The 10 Commandments: What They Mean, Why They Matter, and Why We Should Obey Them. Wheaton: Crossway, 2018. Pg. 81
[2] Ibid., 81
[3] Ryken, Philip Graham. Written In Stone: The Ten Commandments and Today’s Moral Crisis. Phillipsburg: P&R Publishing, 2003. Pg. 117
[4] Ibid., 117
[5] Challies, Tim. The Commandment We Forgot. Cruciform Press, 2017, Kindle location 142
[6] MacArthur, John. The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Ephesians. Chicago: The Moody Bible Institute, 1986. Pg. 313
[7] Bunyan, John. Some General Responsibilities of Children to Parents. Excerpt form Christian Behavior. 1663