17 Thoughts on Marriage from 17 Years of Marriage
Yesterday Emily and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. Because real life is less glamorous than Instagram I spent the day digging up part of the mainline out of our house to resolve a plumbing problem, Emily spent the day at work, and then exhausted and weary we grabbed a late dinner at our favorite pizza spot.
On Saturday we had 6 hours of time together in the car as we traveled to our older daughter’s state cheer competition. We spent that time discussing marriage—what we’ve learned, what we wish we knew 17 years ago, and what we’re still working to improve.
We married young. We were immature and naïve. But we were committed to making this work. We both come from homes with multiple divorces, and we were adamant that we would not take that same road. But we knew very little of how to successfully be married.
From our conversation Saturday we came up with a list of 17 thoughts from our 17 years of marriage. We pray these thoughts will be encouraging and edifying. If you’re considering marriage or are newlyweds, we hope these thoughts will be particularly helpful for you.
Marriage is one of the best gifts God has given to man and woman—let us rejoice and be glad in it.
1.) Place God first
Our purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. The primary purpose of your marriage is to bring God glory. When both husband and wife have this as their primary focus they will have the same goal for their marriage, they will be working towards the same end. In everything, they will be in unity asking, “How can we bring glory to God in this decision/action?” You will constantly be asking each other, “What does God’s Word say?” or “What is God’s will in this?” The glory of God is the goal, not our personal wants, desires, preferences, or even happiness.
2.) Make Corporate Worship a top priority
Order your marriage and family’s time around the gatherings of your local church. Especially, make the commitment to gather every Lord’s Day for corporate worship—morning and evening. You and your spouse need this time. Your children need this time. Your marriage will be unbelievably blessed by God’s ordinary means of grace. Also, by sitting together under the preaching of the Word, your marriage will be brought under the authority and governance of the Word of God.
3.) Have lots (and lots) of sex
Sex is a glorious gift given by God to be enjoyed only within the confines of the covenant of marriage. Sexual intimacy brings husband and wife together in a special and unique way. Husbands and wives should not withhold their bodies from one another, rather they should (within reason) strive to fulfill each other’s needs.
The 2nd LBCF states, “Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife, for the increase of mankind with a legitimate issue, and for preventing uncleanness.” Husband and wife help each other to express this God-given desire in a holy, God-glorifying, clean, non-perverse way. By having sex often, you will help each other remain pure and faithful. Sex is a need, not merely a want. Help fulfill each other’s needs.
Never weaponize sex and guard the marriage-bed. Accept the reality that neglecting this part of the marriage covenant has very real and dangerous consequences.
4.) Pray
Pray for each other, pray for your marriage, pray for your children, family, and household. Pray for faithfulness, covenant fidelity, and longevity in marriage. Pray together and pray as a family. Pray through everything. Pray.
5.) Always seek to build one another up
We joke in our family that Emily is my best hype-man. She is a constant source of encouragement. In everything, she strives to build me up, to make me a better man, father, and husband. She is the perfect helpmeet. Whatever I am today, I am because of her help and encouragement.
Likewise, one of my ultimate goals in our marriage is to help her grow in Christ and become the best wife and mother she can be.
We never tear each other down, we strive to limit ad hominem arguments, and we never speak ill of each other to our children or families. Give compliments and encouragement often. Say, “I love you.”
6.) Take care of your physical bodies
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Your spouse has chosen to give themselves to you for life. You have a moral responsibility to keep yourself in the best possible health to care for them, provide for them, and be present with them as long as possible. Sickness, disease, and age will all have their effects in time, but we should live responsibly for the sake of our families who need us.
Also, when Emily and I started dating and then married she was attracted to me. For whatever reasons only known to her she found me to be handsome enough to date and marry. As her husband, I want to honor her commitment to me in marriage by taking care of my body so that she remains to some degree physically attracted to me. This shouldn’t be confused as vanity. This is an act of love and honor. Our bodies are not our own. My body is hers and I should care for it for her sake.
7.) Fight against your natural tendencies
Since the Fall, man and woman have been plagued by these natural tendencies: man’s desire to be complacent and passive and woman’s desire to usurp the authorities God has placed over her.
For the success of a marriage, husband and wife must fight against these natural tendencies in the establishment of a complementarian marriage. The husband is the head of his wife. He must love her as Christ loves the Church. He must lead her, guard her, and sacrifice himself in order to present his wife as holy before the Lord. He must lead. The woman must submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. In this way they will work together, complimenting one another in marriage, in their family, and in their effort to glorify God in all things.
8.) Fight well
Marriage is not easy and no marriage is perfect. You are a sinner married to a sinner. A healthy marriage will have fights. Fight well. Don’t make personal attacks. Deal with the issue at hand, fight it out, lay out your logical reasoned thoughts, listen with an open mind, accept the reality you may be wrong, be willing to be corrected, come to a resolution, forgive when necessary, then return to #3.
Don’t refuse the fight, passivity will not bring resolution and will allow for resentments to grow.
9.) Have family worship as often as possible
Life gets incredibly busy, especially as your kids get older, but try to gather together with your family as often as possible to read the Bible and pray together, even sing a song. Work through catechisms, and study doctrine and theology together.
Try to establish this as a practice as a young family and build your life around it.
10.) Guard your marriage against any and all enemies
Satan hates godly marriages and violence will come against what God has brought together. Guard your marriage from sin and temptation, possible infidelity, risky friends, and possibly even family that will seek to jeopardize what you have.
A man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife. A woman leaves the authority of her father’s household and comes under the headship of her husband in the establishment of a new home and new family. This is the most important relationship in your life. You have left so much behind and sacrificed so much in order to enter into this covenant. Fight to the death to protect it.
Allow no place for drunkenness, drugs, or pornography. These things will shred your marriage apart.
Also, never complain about your spouse to your family. Your family loves you and will be defensive, don’t give them the opportunity to despise your spouse.
11.) Confess sin and failure often and make repentance common practice
You and your spouse are both sinners. No one will know and understand the depths of your depravity more than your spouse. There will be no delusion of your perfection—they live with you and will see your failures often. You will sin against your spouse more than you ever thought possible. Confess your sin. Repent. Seek forgiveness. Forgive one another.
12.) Work hard—but don’t make work an idol
There is no amount of money worth losing your marriage for. Work is ordained by God and therefore good and God glorifying. We should work hard to provide for our family but we should never idolize work. Time is always more valuable than money. Remember this life is but a vapor and at the end of this life, we will all reflect on the use of our time more than the accumulation of our assets.
13.) Make lots of friends with other godly couples
Search out godly couples and get close to them. Find friends who love the Lord and love each other. These will be models you can emulate. Learn from them and talk to them. Seek their advice and counsel. Ask how they handle certain situations. Godly couples will hold you accountable and warn you when behaviors may be threatening or dangerous to your marriage. Trust them.
14.) Express your love—hug, kiss, dance, laugh, talk—in front of your children
Your children need to know that their mom and dad love each other. They are going to learn what marriage and love are by watching you. Give them a good model to live up to. Daughters should desire to marry someone who is like their father and sons should desire to marry a woman who is like their mother. This is because they have seen the love their own parents have for each other.
15.) Have long conversations about important things
Communication is vital. Talk about important things often. Talk about sex, finances, raising children, wants, needs, desires and preferences. Talk about Scripture, doctrine, theology, and how it applies to all of life.
Be open and honest. Flesh things out, come to conclusions, sacrifice, and be willing to compromise on tertiary things.
Your spouse is not your enemy and you have to stay married, so work together to come to an agreement on important things.
16.) Live within your means—don’t fight about money.
Set a budget and stick to it. Don’t overextend yourself and take on unnecessary debt. Financial stress will strain your marriage. Don’t give in to the temptation to live like everyone else. Be satisfied with what you have.
Give. One of the best ways to resolve the tension concerning finances in a marriage is to steward your resources for the glory of God. Give to your local church regularly, sacrificially, and proportionally. Support other efforts for good. Live sacrificially not selfishly.
17.) Weep together
Life is unbelievably hard and filled with indescribable sufferings. Together you will face many trials and afflictions. Family, friends and possibly even children will die. Sickness and illness will come. Jobs will be lost. There will be financial setbacks. The unthinkable will strike suddenly. Literal and figurative storms will rage against you. There will be all sorts of heartache.
You’ll be tempted to isolate yourself from one another in these times. Don’t! Suffer well together, weep together, and help each other through the difficulties. Grow together through the afflictions, don’t allow them to separate you from one another. Your spouse is a gift and provision from God to you—lean on them and allow them to help you.
As Emily and I talked, she added an 18th thought that we will be working through this coming year. Our oldest will graduate high school next year and move off to college. We will be empty-nesters in 3 years.
18.) Be prepared for your children to leave
Raising children is temporary. Sure, they will always be your children, and you will always care for them, but they will grow and they will leave. They will venture out, get married, and establish their own households. When they leave you will be left with just you and your spouse. Be prepared for this reality. It comes faster than you can ever imagine. It seems like yesterday I was changing diapers and singing lullabies as I rocked babies to sleep. Now I’m preparing for them to leave. Don’t neglect your marriage for 18 years living vicariously through your children. Raising children is only one part of marriage, don’t make it the only purpose of your marriage, because when they leave you’ll feel as if your marriage is now purposeless. It’s not purposeless. Its purpose is to glorify God, even after your children are gone. Work daily to strengthen the marriage. Your relationship with your spouse takes precedence over your relationship with your children. Keep things in their proper order for the sake of your children and the covenant of marriage.
Remember the Proverb,
Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
—Proverbs 5:18-19
Be forever intoxicated in the love you have for each other.
Soli Deo gloria,
Chase